PARENT PRIDE

Dr. Jerry Sasson

April, 2001

SOME THOUGHTS ON TOLERANCE AND ASSERTIVENESS

"Sometimes we are attracted to people who seem quite different from ourselves, only to later find that we have a great deal in common with them. Maybe in some cases we find someone who, rather than insisting on being like us, is simply willing to like us - differences, similarities, warts, and all."

(Author Unknown)

Differences. Each day we are challenged to adapt and accept individual differences. Some are better at this than others. Relationships can flourish when we recognize the worth of another, no matter our differences. Sadly, these same relationships can be wasted or poisoned when we see differences as threats rather than opportunities for understanding and growth.

Recently, I was confronted by a situation where the virtue of tolerance was at odds with another virtue- assertiveness. A father wanted to know why it wasn't acceptable for his mild-mannered son to stand and fight a bully at school. Confronted by the threats of a classmate, and afraid of the consequences of fighting at school, this father's son decided to retreat, avoiding his bullying classmate. I had defended the boy's restraint. The father was concerned that his son had backed down, thus setting himself up for future threats, and not deterring the other boy from added acts of intimidation.

The father was right. Being a kind, gentle and thoughtful child does not mean that one must be submissive. Some of the most caring of children (and adults) are also the most assertive. Standing up to those who make inappropriate demands on us is not only permissible, it's often warranted. In fact, children who develop a healthy assertiveness are much more likely to manage life's typical confrontations with poise, balance and confidence.

The assertive child is not aggressive. He is, however, self-assured, knows right from wrong, possesses a strong internal value system and, if necessary, has developed the courage to stand toe-to-toe against an aggressor. Conversely, the bully possesses none of these attributes. He is much more likely to be weak, distrustful, fear-filled and void of a healthy moral compass.

Assertiveness is not an innate skill. It must be taught. For parents to simply be disappointed or angry with their child for not standing firm against bullies is the wrong tact. It is likely to promote increased timidity and anxiety, or worse still, a retaliatory aggressiveness. Bullies are most often nurtured in environments filled with anger, criticism, intimidation and fear.

This is not simply a school issue. It is a family and community issue. Schools can create 'zero tolerance' dictums and equip themselves with the most innovative anti-violence technology, but it still comes back to individual attitudes and relationships.

The most effective long term deterrent to violent behaviors is to create and maintain home, school and community environments where the focus is on nurturing, advocacy, mentoring and success for all. The more healthy and inclusive academic, artistic, athletic, social and personal opportunities available, the less likely our children will resort to or be the victims of pain-filled behaviors.

As with all learning, our children will continue to model what we adults teach them. It's what they see in our daily relationships and attitudes towards one another that will infuse tolerance and assertiveness, rather than intolerance and aggression. What do our children see in our interactions with spouses, neighbors, teachers, coaches, employers, colleagues and other daily acquaintances?

Today's media attention spotlights our kids, schools, and their problems. If we dig deep enough, even in the sand, we'll find the source closer to home.

Children can be taught to be civil and assertive at the same time. Children can be taught to be tolerant of cultural, religious, ethnic and personal differences. Unfortunately, children can also be taught to be intolerant and violent. Like sex and drug education, issues like tolerance and assertiveness training begin in the home. It' s our choice and responsibility. It's always been our choice and responsibility.